Random Rantings: Vol 2

Enough stupidity exists in the world today. Quite a lot actually can be attributed to people with little or no sense of general public behaviour (read: celebrities) and who often make a fool of themselves, not regarding the feelings of people like me who would rather stuff a sock in their ears than hear the crap they come up with. So an extension to the already “hit” Random Rantings Vol 1. looks seemingly imminent and with it a new list of common annoyances that nullify the very purpose of human evolution.

1. People who try to make small talk:

Now, I’m not a very sociable person and there’s a reason for that. Like I said earlier, enough stupidity exists in the world today and I wouldn’t want to dip my feet into it if I can help it. Part of that involves limited interaction with strangers because you never know when someone’s going to say the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard and you’d have to live with it for the rest of your life. Its more serious than you think. So if I’m sitting in a corner minding my own business, the last thing I need is someone trying to make forced conversation with me. Sure I’ll let you know what time is it but I will certainly NOT discuss the weather or politics or any topic that tickles you fancy with you. Nor will I let you interview me because neither am I a celebrity, nor do I share my stuff with strange freaks like you. Thats not harsh, thats just a nice way of saying, Bugger off mate.

2. Sms language when used out of place:

I’m not a fan of sms language. But I have to agree upon the fact that 160 characters are often not enough to express yourself and hence the relevance of the sms “tongue”. But what annoys me is when sms language is used outside the realm of mobile texting. It’s everywhere nowadays; Blogs, Social Networking websites, Forums etc. At this rate it wont be long before we say goodbye to proper spellings and dump the memory of them at the back of the already rusting brain of ours. It’s when the dictionaries start including  sms-words, that you know that the language is doomed and no amount of Spelling Bee tournaments is going to help. Imagine a bunch 6 year olds being taught how to express laughter in the near future by their sms addicted teachers: “Kids repeat after me: L O L Z!”

3. Fake Accents:

For me, what’s analogous to spelling mistakes in writing, is fake accents while speaking. I’m probably not the first person who loathes fake accents, but I felt a necessity to mention it here. The simple argument stands as follows: “If God wanted everyone on Earth to speak the same way, he wouldn’t have created the concept of languages and dialects”. There’s nothing funnier (and more annoying) than watching an Indian attempting to recreate an American accent. To him, an American accent is “Cool” and makes him seem “Intelligent and well educated”. Though I must admit that the sing-song Indian English accent does often make us look stupid. Still that is not an excuse enough to be subjecting people to your abject performance of speech that makes it seem like someone stuffed a lot of mothballs into your mouth and then gave you a proper spanking.

4. Celebs that Tweet:

I cannot count the number of times a day I imagine the world free of stupid celebrities. It would be a boon indeed. Twitter is a new way of torturing the already tortured soul of mine, and thats saying a lot since I hardly even use the service! Blame it on the “News channels” and other media for bringing me all the latest tweets by celebrities and force feeding me the utter nonsensical chaos of their lives. Privacy meant something in the good old days, but today if a celebrity says that he/she needs privacy then that would either mean that they’re up to no good, or they’re in serious need of some media attention and publicity. It seems like someones purposely rubbing my nose into the lives of people that I don’t even care about. When SRK takes a dump or what Karan Johar thinks about homosexuality or what Priyanka Chopra had for lunch, I simply do NOT care. Guys, just do your thing in the movies and move on ’cause you are a bunch of glorified losers to me.

5. Inspired music:

Inspiration is a tricky word and there’s a fine line between it and something called Plagiarism. The concept of Inspired music is an oxymoron. Art when copied isn’t art, and thats why you don’t hear about a painting or a book  which is similar to another. There are probably a million permutations and combinations of notes, chords and melodies, yet if someone tells me that a piece of music has been “inspired” from another, ill have none of it. Its just another way of saying “My lazy ass was too tired and out of ideas, so I copied stuff from a place you’ve never even heard of, and added my own lyrics to it”. Common errants in the Indian film industry include Anu “I like to judge” Malik, Bappi “One hit wonder” Lahiri, Jatin-Lalit, Pritam et al.

6. Semi nude models on billboards:

Keep your eyes on the road, is what you’re taught at driving school. But what do you do if there’s a huge billboard of a semi nude, incredibly hot model staring you in your face, trying to sell god knows what product? Who wouldn’t take a peek, a glance? And thats the reason it’s put there as well, for people to look up, get distracted and probably get hypnotized into buying that product. This is an unnecessary interruption in my driving that I can certainly do without. There are a hundred things I need to look out for while driving on Indian roads. I need to avoid animals, potholes, pedestrians, other vehicles, more potholes, and policemen. Shouldn’t there be some kind of legislation on how hot a model should be put up on billboards for distracting commuters? Maybe a really hot one on a highway, and a behenji type on busy roads for starters! If there can be a law against driving while drinking then there should almost certainly be on on driving while ogling.

Bollywood XI: The Tonic For Indian Football

I’m sure I speak for the entire nation when I say that Indian football needs drastic improvement. What with the team languishing at 132nd position on the FIFA ranking table. The Pundits have come up with an ingenious solution to this problem: Revamp the whole squad of players.  So we scouted Bollywood, looking for potential players because we heard a lot of commotion about Bollywood being “littered with talent”. The parameters used for the selection of the players were: Wealth, Recognition, Looks and Gossip Generating Power. We admit that we have neglected a few parameters like Footballing Skill, Ability etc. but we have unanimously agreed that those things no longer mattered in Indian sport. Hence after careful consideration we came up with the following team consisting of Bollywood’s finest:

Bollywood XI: The 4-3-3 formation at its best

Goalkeeper: The legendary Amitabh Bachchan was selected as the team’s goalkeeper. Towering at an impressive hieght of 6’3, he represents the epitome of Bollywood. Age and reflexes aside, his multitasking abilities are what set him apart. He can be a genie, a gangster, a ghost and even God if required.

Defence: The back 4 i.e defence, of any team is essential to its success. Our defence consists of Harman Baweja, Aamir Khan, Saif Ali Khan and Sanjay Dutt.

Aamir Khan with his hard work and never-say-die attitude serves as a perfect central defender, although his tendency to disappear after a good performance remains to be a problem that needs to be sorted out.

We chose Saif Ali Khan solely because we once saw him playing in a charity football match and thought that shorts and wolverine-type facial hair went well.

Sanjay Dutt was a pretty obvious choice. His ability to aim and shoot down moving targets is industry-renowned. So we figured that he would be instrumental in shooting opposition players to extinction.

Harman Baweja  may seem like a weird selection but we stand by him due to one undebatable reason. His ability to scare people away remains to be his biggest weapon. He has done it to cinema audiences around India, and we know that it’ll have a similar effect on opposition players. His similarity to another team mate- Hritik Roshan, will be important in confusing the opposition.

Midfield: The midfield trio of Salman Khan, Abhishek Bachchan and Shahid Kapur was a carefully selected blend.

Salman Khan would be the perfect combative midfield player who breaks up play and stifles the opposition. His recent battle training for Veer was perfect preparation for him although the box office performance of the film admittedly wasn’t.

Shahid Kapur is our playmaker for the team. The long slow motion shot of him running alongside horses in the film Kaminey is what impressed us the most. Similar performances on the field will prove to be vital to the team. Although not very tall, his stamina sets him apart from other players.

Sandwiched between 12 packs of well built ab muscles is our very own Abishek Bachchan. Although he’s slow, not well built, not very good looking, yet his unique talent of pulling off unbelievably stupid roles with grace is laudable indeed. Another reason that we picked him was because we were told that Aishwarya Rai would do a promo for the Indian team if he was selected.

Attack: Scoring goals is the aim of any football team. But our attack not only score goals, they score goals in style.

Sunny Paaji was chosen to run at defences shouting “Yeh Dhai kilo ka haath jab kisipe padtha hai na…toh aadmin ut-tha nahi ud jaata hai..” and to cause mass hysteria and confusion among the opposition with his dance moves.

Hritik Roshan’s flexibility and showmanship is what earned him a place in the team. His job first and foremost would be to run around defences flailing his arms and legs much to the shock and amazement of the opposition. His ability to fly, climb walls and communicate with aliens were all considered during his selection.

Finally, serving as the central attacking striker would be Shahrukh Khan, the proclaimed Baadshah of Bollywood. His stealth and ability to produce hits out of the blue are his assets. He also blends well between his two fellow strikers. While the defence will be clamoring to tackle Sunny and Hritik, Shahrukhs job wold be to sneak past defences and score, an art at which he is perfectly adept.

Substitutes:

Vivek Oberoi – Because he and Salman don’t complement each other on the field, or anywhere else.

Govinda – Perfect entertainment for the rest of the team, can also woo public through false promises.

Akshay Kumar – Will be useful to provide drinks to the team because of the unlimited supply of Thums-up he gets everyday.

Tusshar Kapoor – Recommended to us by his siser as she couldn’t get him a job on tv.

Ritesh Deshmukh – Recommended to us by the Maharashtra government.

Comments: Notice how we have carefully separated the big 3 Khans from each other. This was done to ensure maximum compatibility and cooperation, a skill lacking in the current football team. Also, the lack of a manager for the team might be worrisome to some, but we believe that this team needs no manager and has nothing to do with the fact that no one in their right mind was willing to take up the job of managing 11 spoilt, rich celebrities.

Paa, I want an award

Say Paa and get an award. The trend which the umpteen film awards do pursue, you merely need to portray a role of a character plagued by a irrevocable disease.  Film awards have stooped to descending levels with every passing year. This year’s award ceremony marked yet another nadir its notorious history, when Amitabh Bachchan was awarded with the best film actor of the year.

Gone are the days, when artistes lived on the streets and were desperate to make ends meet.Where work was scarce, and the fees even less attractive. However, the thirst for good cinema never dissipated. Films were people centric, and very appeapilng to the masses. But what appealed foremost, was the protagonist- who held absolute sway. Whether at his mother’s funeral, or chasing nefarious criminals across dusty hilly terrains, or dancing to inspired RD Burman and Laxmikanth-Pyarelal tunes. People were held to the edge of their seats. Films ran in theatres for years at times. That accentuates the necessities in a good character. Even Amitabh Sa’ab was brilliant to these qualities in films namely Sholay and Deewar. But Paa- was a mistake from the very beginning.

The avarice for fame is what keeps these awards alive. The post-ceremonial fame is what these money-mongers crave. A few good names in the winners circle will favour the cause of magazine sales. TRP ratings of certain channels will reach, perhaps unknown zeniths. If a film like Iqbal had won the best film award, the news would have died down within a few days. Mr. Bachchan’s receipt will resound within the media circles for another month or so. Those “enterpreneurs” who choose to promote the same will make a very wise indeed.

Did the roles portrayed by the cast in Anuraag Kashyap’s Gulaal do injustice to the script, or was Naseeruddin Shah left wanting in Firaaq? Even Ranbir Kapoor was no less brilliant in his portrayal of Rocket Singh- a film that unfortunately didn’t “explode”. Crisp, subtle roles portrayed with skillful grace. But  a hexogenerian dancing about scratching his head- come on! If sense defies all logic- then what stopped the jury from awarding the award for best film to Quick Gun Murugan. I thus conclude my analogy.

I take away nothing from the doyen of Bollywood, who in his lifetime of work has perhaps contributed more than any other in his league. But the sheer thought of awarding an honour to a “celebrity” and not to “the cause of acting” is merely quixotic. Such awards are purely vulgar and offensive, and never do champion the true cause of Acting.