Archive for the ‘Parodies’ Category

The Tale Of The Reality Show


This Passive Pundit has on multiple times berated Reality Shows and everything about them. Yet the fact remains that reality shows are today’s rage. Moreover now, genres of reality shows are starting to emerge, ranging from sport-adventure, business, cooking, comedy, general knowledge to performing arts. Then there are those which cannot be categorized simply because, well, they just have people doing nothing and millions of people sitting at home spying on them (And no the show isn’t on Voyeur TV). Hordes of competing shows each with similar yet slightly different formats to keep the audiences hooked is commonplace nowadays. Famous shows occasionally go international too with different language versions cropping up. Sure one might argue that these shows, apart from entertaining, also provide opportunities to participants to win and gain recognition in their respective fields (Susan Boyle, Chris Daughtry, Abhijeet Sawant etc. ) and again in some cases, earn the out-of-work celebrity some severely needed television exposure (The Kamal Khan types that is).

One look at all reality shows and a pattern emerges. Implying that there are basic features that govern a reality show. This being common to almost every reality show with slight variations. So here goes:

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1. The Judge:

Critical, contemptuous, condescending. Almost perfectly describes your average reality show judge. Though some of them do possess sound knowledge of their field of expertise yet their often rude disposition and disdain for the very nervy participant is amusing indeed. Some real talents do get their well deserved applause . But almost all judges seem to have an agenda (probably script written beforehand) of vilifying the performer, often bringing them down to tears. something completely unnecessary. Apparently all matters of acceptable social behaviour are rendered nullified once the camera starts rolling on these reality shows. Then there’s the antics these “judges” perform themselves. Quitting the show on camera, rushing backstage crying, quarelling amongst themselves; these are the asinine stunts which these geniuses-at-work attempt to pull off and completely mocking public intelligence in the process. As if one couldn’t see through these well-rehearsed, often scripted lies that are meant to add spice to the show and keep the audiences hooked. “More (melo)drama continues after the commercial break”, is what the presenter ought to say.

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2. The Contestant

One couldn’t completely discount the participants for making the reality show experience so distasteful either. If the judges are blamed to be too harsh on the participants, it’s often because of certain participants who are moronic beyond belief. These people appear to have joined in a cause to humiliate themselves on national television! Their purpose isn’t to actually register a commendable performance, but to gain some time on tv, just for the heck of it. Luckily these calamities are often eliminated in the early stages before they start wrecking our lives along with theirs. But even the talented ones that do make it through sometimes behave in uncultured ways. Again, more often than not their behaviour is dictated by the ever TRP hungry reality show makers who consider public swearing, and brawling amongst contestants as good agents of developing attention.


3.  The Host

What wonders me the most is what might be the criteria that reality shows use to pick their hosts. Maybe any obsessive, excessively jovial, emotionally inanimate jock that tickles their fancy. But again, out of work celebrities are preferred. As if the show wasn’t irritating itself, these harbingers of all things tedious keep appearing on screen to deliver line after line of repetitive monologues that never seem to serve any useful purpose. And each time they start every part of my body seems to scream, “We don’t need your opinion on how the performance was, you cretin!”. Regulations must dictate that this person spend the least time in front of the camera i.e do their job of introducing the contestant and announcing the result and fade into the backdrop. But alas, if it was for reality tv regulations lives would’ve been so much simpler.

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4. The Music + The Voice-over Guy:

The insipid  music and the computer-generated-voice like announcer guy add to the sickening experience of the reality show. Drumrolls, percussionary bangs, loud techno sound effects are commonly used. The kind of music you’d expect in a discotheque in fact.  And on the complete flip side, horror, goosebumps inducing, mortal peril, near death kind of music like the type you would hear in psycho killer movies. The arrangements are designed to be catchy too so as to create a unique identity for the reality show. One note played, and you’d know which reality show’s turn it is now to torture you internally. Then there’s the omnipresent Voice-over guy who seems to be watching everything from up above. From a safe distance in fact, yet he’s got all the inside info. No one’s actually ever sees this guy but still everyone eagerly anticipates his golden words. He’s got a scary and irritating voice too. I mean, who ever talks like that in real life? If they did, they’d be laughed at and mocked to no end! But it’s reality tv, so all sense of reasoning takes a corner seat.

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In conclusion, the bitter ride that is a reality show is indeed a series of unnecessary, yet knowingly, built in annoyances that divert the attention from the actual show itself. We may complain, but the fact remains that these mediums of mind boggling absurdities are here to stay.


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Road Sense 101: Road Signs and What They Really Mean


Have a problem perceiving things the right way? Does your mind tell you to do the complete opposite of what you’re told to do? Well worry not then, ‘coz you’re one among the millions of Indians who suffer from the precise same problem and don’t even know about it. A brilliant place to find these geniuses at work is on our very own Indian roads. Highways, main streets, crossroads, level crossings, flyovers, gullies and where not, you’ll always find one of your kind. And that’s uniquely Indian.

Road signs. Meant to guide the driver and to effectively manage traffic without the actual need of a human. More often than not though, Indian drivers mysteriously perceive these road signs as completely different instructions. Let’s have a look at some examples:

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Really Means: Straight prohibited or No Entry

Perceived Meaning: Drive right through, we’ve been expecting you.

Also Perceived as: What? A challenge? I’m going in.

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Really Means: One way sign

Perceived Meaning: See if you can dodge oncoming traffic and wedge your way through. Don’t worry, as long as you’ve got change in your wallet we’ll handle the police.

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Really Means: Pedestrians prohibited

Perceived Meaning: The world is your oyster and nothing’s out of bounds for you! Please feel free to use the street for all purposes that you may require it for. Littering will be appreciated.


Really Means: Left turn prohibited (Another variant is the Right turn prohibited sign)

Perceived Meaning: Free left turn at all times. Do watch out for competing traffic though and do NOT let those bastards past you.

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Really Means: U-Turn prohibited

Perceived Meaning: Don’t take this seriously. It’s an inverted U after all.

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Really Means: Overtaking Prohibited

Perceived Meaning: In case the vehicle ahead is slowing your highness down, mow down the prick and/or make a rude gesture while overtaking him from any direction of your choice.

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Really Means: Horns prohibited

Perceived Meaning: Pump up the volume, pump up the volume!


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Really Means: No Parking

Perceived Meaning: Look around. Do you see anyone else parking here? Yes? Alright go ahead. No? Alright go ahead.

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Really Means: Speed Limit 50 km/h

Perceived Meaning: Don’t drive like a freaking 50 year old. Hit the pedal!

Also Perceived as: Driving below 50 km/h will prove beyond a doubt that you’re a pussy.

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Really Means: Stop
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Perceived Meaning: Random red octagon trying to spoil my driving experience.
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Really Means: Give Way
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Perceived Meaning: Drive defensively taking the inside line. Evade any attempts of tailgating by swearing loudly.
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Really Means: Pedestrian crossing
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Perceived Meaning: Pedestrian challenge ahead. Dodge as many possible for extra points.
Also Perceived as: Zebra crossing is for sissies!
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Really Means: School ahead
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Perceived Meaning: School challenge ahead. Hang around for hot teachers. Make toddlers cry for bonus points.
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Really Means: Cross road
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Perceived Meaning: Cross over to the other side before people from the other three directions get the same idea. Ignore all red lights at all costs.
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Really Means: Gap in median
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Perceived Meaning: Gap too far ahead! Must make my own gap in the median here. Proceed to cut across the median and over to the other side. Act macho afterwards.
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Really Means: Roundabout
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Perceived Meaning: Driving in circles was never productive. Navigate through the traffic in a perfectly straight line.
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Really Means: Barrier ahead
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Perceived Meaning: Barrier to your successful attempt at flouting the rules ahead. Unmount the vehicle and proceed by ducking under the obstruction for a full standing ovation.
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Another name for this post could be Sarcasm 101, as I’ve been told. But you’ve got to admit the fact that some of these made you chuckle (at least some?). If they didn’t then you’re one of the people I’m taking a piss at here (if you’re not, feel free to check out possibly funnier posts on the blog)

Random Rantings: Vol 2


Enough stupidity exists in the world today. Quite a lot actually can be attributed to people with little or no sense of general public behaviour (read: celebrities) and who often make a fool of themselves, not regarding the feelings of people like me who would rather stuff a sock in their ears than hear the crap they come up with. So an extension to the already “hit” Random Rantings Vol 1. looks seemingly imminent and with it a new list of common annoyances that nullify the very purpose of human evolution.

1. People who try to make small talk:

Now, I’m not a very sociable person and there’s a reason for that. Like I said earlier, enough stupidity exists in the world today and I wouldn’t want to dip my feet into it if I can help it. Part of that involves limited interaction with strangers because you never know when someone’s going to say the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard and you’d have to live with it for the rest of your life. Its more serious than you think. So if I’m sitting in a corner minding my own business, the last thing I need is someone trying to make forced conversation with me. Sure I’ll let you know what time is it but I will certainly NOT discuss the weather or politics or any topic that tickles you fancy with you. Nor will I let you interview me because neither am I a celebrity, nor do I share my stuff with strange freaks like you. Thats not harsh, thats just a nice way of saying, Bugger off mate.

2. Sms language when used out of place:

I’m not a fan of sms language. But I have to agree upon the fact that 160 characters are often not enough to express yourself and hence the relevance of the sms “tongue”. But what annoys me is when sms language is used outside the realm of mobile texting. It’s everywhere nowadays; Blogs, Social Networking websites, Forums etc. At this rate it wont be long before we say goodbye to proper spellings and dump the memory of them at the back of the already rusting brain of ours. It’s when the dictionaries start including  sms-words, that you know that the language is doomed and no amount of Spelling Bee tournaments is going to help. Imagine a bunch 6 year olds being taught how to express laughter in the near future by their sms addicted teachers: “Kids repeat after me: L O L Z!”

3. Fake Accents:

For me, what’s analogous to spelling mistakes in writing, is fake accents while speaking. I’m probably not the first person who loathes fake accents, but I felt a necessity to mention it here. The simple argument stands as follows: “If God wanted everyone on Earth to speak the same way, he wouldn’t have created the concept of languages and dialects”. There’s nothing funnier (and more annoying) than watching an Indian attempting to recreate an American accent. To him, an American accent is “Cool” and makes him seem “Intelligent and well educated”. Though I must admit that the sing-song Indian English accent does often make us look stupid. Still that is not an excuse enough to be subjecting people to your abject performance of speech that makes it seem like someone stuffed a lot of mothballs into your mouth and then gave you a proper spanking.

4. Celebs that Tweet:

I cannot count the number of times a day I imagine the world free of stupid celebrities. It would be a boon indeed. Twitter is a new way of torturing the already tortured soul of mine, and thats saying a lot since I hardly even use the service! Blame it on the “News channels” and other media for bringing me all the latest tweets by celebrities and force feeding me the utter nonsensical chaos of their lives. Privacy meant something in the good old days, but today if a celebrity says that he/she needs privacy then that would either mean that they’re up to no good, or they’re in serious need of some media attention and publicity. It seems like someones purposely rubbing my nose into the lives of people that I don’t even care about. When SRK takes a dump or what Karan Johar thinks about homosexuality or what Priyanka Chopra had for lunch, I simply do NOT care. Guys, just do your thing in the movies and move on ’cause you are a bunch of glorified losers to me.

5. Inspired music:

Inspiration is a tricky word and there’s a fine line between it and something called Plagiarism. The concept of Inspired music is an oxymoron. Art when copied isn’t art, and thats why you don’t hear about a painting or a book  which is similar to another. There are probably a million permutations and combinations of notes, chords and melodies, yet if someone tells me that a piece of music has been “inspired” from another, ill have none of it. Its just another way of saying “My lazy ass was too tired and out of ideas, so I copied stuff from a place you’ve never even heard of, and added my own lyrics to it”. Common errants in the Indian film industry include Anu “I like to judge” Malik, Bappi “One hit wonder” Lahiri, Jatin-Lalit, Pritam et al.

6. Semi nude models on billboards:

Keep your eyes on the road, is what you’re taught at driving school. But what do you do if there’s a huge billboard of a semi nude, incredibly hot model staring you in your face, trying to sell god knows what product? Who wouldn’t take a peek, a glance? And thats the reason it’s put there as well, for people to look up, get distracted and probably get hypnotized into buying that product. This is an unnecessary interruption in my driving that I can certainly do without. There are a hundred things I need to look out for while driving on Indian roads. I need to avoid animals, potholes, pedestrians, other vehicles, more potholes, and policemen. Shouldn’t there be some kind of legislation on how hot a model should be put up on billboards for distracting commuters? Maybe a really hot one on a highway, and a behenji type on busy roads for starters! If there can be a law against driving while drinking then there should almost certainly be on on driving while ogling.

The Top 10 Superheroes in Indian Politics


As kids, we would gape into the television sets in sheer awe of these strange and yet, unearthly figures. Terrific superpowers, classy villas up on rooftops and yes, the all very promiscouous WAG’s (read Women and Girlfriends) thronging them by their sides. The superheroes had it made didn’t they – Power, Fame and Immortality!! I wish I had some bottle with a dash of superhero elixir in it.
Notwithstanding thoughts, ideas and passions that may seep through our veins ; didnt you know that we had these superheroes in our  very back yard? Sounds incredulous? For all you doubting toms, they’re a train ride away. Yes, they’re all in New Delhi. The elected representatives of the largest democracy of the world. Yes thats them all right.
Statistics and votes apart, what makes them all mighty are a few very good reasons. Truant as they always are, they shirk away from responsibility despite the countless rules framed. That takes a lot of guts, doesn’t it? They’ve got a posse of security( read police and goons) covering their every step. And they’ve got more followers on Facebook and Twitter than this blog has visits till date!! Definite characteristics of a superhero I might add.
The Passive pundits have finally released a list of 10 Jan-Sevaks who trule deserve to be counted as the heavy-weight superheroes of Indian Polity. The list contains the names of only those elected to the houses of Parliament.
1) Sonia Gandhi –  Don Sonia

She is undoubtedly the prima donna of Indian politics at present. She posses a very unusual garb for a superhero indeed. Her Italian Devanagri or her Devanagri Italian can be confusing- leaving the evil doers at a trance. She would then use her pallu to wallop the felon black and blue.
2) Manmohan Singh – Turbanator
Move over Harbhajan, the true Turbanator is here. Leading the life of an Economist whilst day, he dons the blue turban at night – giving dashes of nyctophobia to  goons who upset world peace. A dedicated side-kick to Don Sonia, he his the ultimate managerial taskmaster, who keeps the insanity in his cabinet at bay.
3) Mamata Banerjee – Lady Trainina
She is said to have risen from the sands of the hinterland. An emancipator of the downtrodden from the injustice of the powers-that be. Her war cry of Ma! Mati! Manush! ( Mother! Land! people!) sends shivers down the spine. A very simple attire really, nothing much to brag about. She abhors useless expenditure and, like Santa Claus, is said to provide trains right upto your doorstep if you’ve been nice.
4) Laloo Prasad Yadav – Two Face
The man who held sway at one time has been finding it tough to keep up with publicity. Once the Lord Trainina at the helm, he his now a part of an alliance, all prepared to wage a war to return to the higher echelons of power. I call him Two-FAce as he was once at power, doing good deeds for the masses, but now fights a bitter war to seek justice.
5) Jairam Ramesh – Captain Planet

Ever since the demise of Captain Planet from Cartoon Network, the world desperately needed a hero-figure to “take pollution down to zero”. No, he doesn’t have five planeteers with five rings each and, and neither does he have Gaia, the earth spirit by his side. This superhero might as well have the most enemies at his opposite end – Other superheroes, industrial supremos, environmental organizations – who swear to his oust. But cool as a cucumber with tufts of hair on opposite ends he simply blurts out – ” The POWER IS YOURS”.
6) Kapil Sibbal –  The Che
Viva LA REVOLUCION, is this superhero’s warcry.  He echoed ‘go!’ right  from the very onset, and charged past all-barriers. His revolutionary work much alludes to that of  the legendary Ernesto ‘Che’ Guevarra. A superhero not through powers, but definitely one in sprirt. A superhero much to be praised for and not to be mocked.
7) L. K. Advani-Safrroclops

His favourite colour is saffron. Lord Rama is his favourite god. He loves riding the ‘Chariot’ and he goes for weekend trips to Ayodhya, being his favourite destination. He bursts out saffron flashes of light whenever he takes off those glasses of his. He’s  a protoge of Atal Behari Vajpayee, aka Professor AB, who is now mostly confined to the chair.
8) Nitin Gadkari- The Incredible Hulk

A few months ago this behemoth well to be honest, cam out of nowhere in Indian politics. I heard the name first, and then exclaimed in ____, this guy  to lead the B-Men ( read BJP). I wondered what profound sense had driven them to conclude thus?? Nevertheless, A hulk in size , shape and definitely width a punch from his wrist would send the opponent whizzing past the Char Dhams in an instant. Despite an awkward sense during public speeches, for which he he has been repreoached repeately by the opposition, the hulk hopes to keep afloat.
9) A. Raja  – Doctor Do Little

This superhero hasn’t  infact been doing much but actually very little and has been the most nascent of all of these superheroes. He is mostly seen in telecom spectra and holds talks with telecom giants. He has doctored up so much for the BSNL employees, that they’re crying at the hands of uncouthly privatization. He has just retired and we are told , leads a quiet life in the hills near Ooty.
10) P. Chidambaram – Rambo

Fighting terrorists has always been his forte. Guerrila Warfare is currently his newest skill. The Naxals have literally put a price on his head. Armed with hundreds of jawans at his side, the man with miniscule brawns storms into the jungles, seeking to flush out rebels from the murky jungle depths. This Tamil Rambo is uncannily fluent in the Queen’s tongue.So, here’s a warning to the Naxals, the countless terrorist orgnizations in Pakistan with the prefix Al, the terrorist front on the North-East and all the insurgent groups within the Indian borders, beware!!

Culture Capers


Random Rantings: Vol 1


The Passivity of this Pundit is questioned quite frequently; almost everyday infact. I often see things around me and wonder “Why?” and sometimes wonder, “Why god! Why? ” but then I resign and reconcile to those things because I know that the closest I’ll get to changing them is when I try do them my own way and make a fool of myself in the process. But there’s a critical point, a saturation limit, to how much one can ignore stuff  and accept the idiocy around them. One way to let out your frustration is to type it out on a list and publish it on a blog  that less than 0.0001% of the world is going to read. Still that won’t hamper the spirit of this Pundit who’s out to bash every crook who ever took human intelligence for granted. To start with, here’s the first list (among a predictably long series of lists) of things I’ve never come to make peace with:

1. Canned Fruits

The best excuse for healthy food. It’s like someone was watching TV lying on their sofa and thought “Hey, I wonder if I could sell cut up fruits floating in preservatives in an almost impossible to open tin can?” Worse, these things can have a shelf life of about 3 years. Whoever thought eating a fruit that was harvested 3 years ago was “Fine because it was preserved” in my eyes, needs psychological treatment.

2. Non-3.5mm Jacks

As if wires getting tangled around your face wasn’t trouble enough, nowadays you’ve got to deal with the problem of earphones which won’t fit your brand new mobile. Each brand seems to come up with its own kind of unique port into which only exclusive company manufactured earphones will fit. So now you have to run around looking for converters which will help you use your personal earphones, which you spent a fortune on, on your mobile. Excuse me Nokia, Sony Ericsson! Ever heard of universal compatibility?

3.  The Snooze Option

Remember the last time you woke up to the alarm on your mobile only to select the snooze option and go back to sleep again? It’s probably the biggest reason why people are late to work, school (discounting laziness and actual lack of sense of punctuality) Whoever came up with this idea must’ve hated people getting to work on time. Its like telling your body “Don’t worry buddy we’ll be up in 5 more minutes” until you realize that it’s half past noon and your boss is ready to skin you.

4. When the Spell check doesn’t recognize British spellings

This must be the most annoying thing British journalists face everyday with their document processing applications. Imagine typing a spelling which you know is right, only to find that the spell check doesn’t recognize the word. Thats because Americans were too thick skinned to accept the British way of spelling words. You will often find me working on my desk going “Damn you Microsoft Word! I will spell ‘Colour’ as ‘Colour’ and NOT as ‘Color’! You can do what you want!”

5. Paying millions for personalized license plates

This one I just don’t get. As if the hotshot Merc/BMW wasn’t proof enough of them being filthy rich, these boneheads want personalized license plates for their rides. Some go for their birthdays, others go for their “lucky numbers”. Mate, if you get run over by a semi from behind, whats written on your license plate number isn’t gonna help! And neither will your lucky number do you any good. Then there are wise asses who pay millions for numbers like 1234, 7777, and single digit numbers. The only people who benefit from these easy to remember numbers are the cops. You cant run a red light and expect to get away with it when you have “1” written in bold, foolishly hanging there on your license plate! Hell you can’t even flee a murder scene without being noticed. Thats the deal breaker for me right there!

Stay tuned for more. Because who doesn’t want to hear a guy complaining about random stuff? 😉

The Art Of Asking Questions


Remember the last time you felt like pulling your hair out while watching a presentation ceremony at the end of a cricket match or during an interview with the manager after a game of football? Well then you would know why you also felt like punching the interviewer in the face then.

More often than not these TV “pros” end up asking questions that firstly, are too obvious even to consider answering; and secondly,  are unavoidable (since you cannot tell the guy to bugger off). These commentators-turned-interviewers make life miserable for the viewers at home, and frankly, would be much better off holed up in their box high above normal civilization. The other day during the Chargers match against the Kings XI, Sunil Gavaskar was having a chat with Rohit Sharma who was fielding. Now, in a situation like this one would expect him to ask questions like “Hows the pitch playing?”, or “Hows the outfield?”; but instead he goes ahead and asks him “What car do you currently have?” *gasps*. Just then the last ball of the over was bowled and a boundary was scored and the reply that Sunil got was “Shit!”. Well obviously you can’t blame Rohit for using the word on National television, but whether it was for the shot that was hit against his team or for the stupid question that he was asked, remains to be speculated upon. More than once Ravi Shastri has come up with questions like “How does it feel to score that century?”. Well I wouldn’t know about the player but I’d certainly feel like throwing up on him.

This disease isn’t confined to Cricket alone. Managers in football regularly get asked questions like “How does it feel to win/lose?”. Now innocuous as the question may seem, technically the question is a no-brainer. A manager who’s just lost wouldn’t say “I feel like its the end of the world for me”, nor would a winning manager say “I feel like Alice in Wonderland!”, yet there is an unwritten law that binds all managers to answer these abysmally stupid questions as nicely as possible. But once or twice there come managers like Gordon Strachan who’ll tell the interviewer off in the funniest manner imaginable.

Example No. 1:

On being appointed new manager of Southampton FC, an interviewer asks him “Do you feel you’re the right man for the job?”, Gordon replies: “No”

Example No.2:

Interviewer: ” Gordon, all good things must come to an end and bang goes your unbeaten record this season. Can you take it?”

Gordon: “No I’m just gonna crumble into a wreck, go home, become an alcoholic, and maybe throw myself off a bridge”

THAT is exactly how I would reply to questions like those and thats why I’m a big fan of the ginger haired Scot. What we need now are more such players and managers who’d do us a favor and hit these obnoxiously obvious questions out of the park each time an interviewer comes up with them.