Bollywood XI: The Tonic For Indian Football

I’m sure I speak for the entire nation when I say that Indian football needs drastic improvement. What with the team languishing at 132nd position on the FIFA ranking table. The Pundits have come up with an ingenious solution to this problem: Revamp the whole squad of players.  So we scouted Bollywood, looking for potential players because we heard a lot of commotion about Bollywood being “littered with talent”. The parameters used for the selection of the players were: Wealth, Recognition, Looks and Gossip Generating Power. We admit that we have neglected a few parameters like Footballing Skill, Ability etc. but we have unanimously agreed that those things no longer mattered in Indian sport. Hence after careful consideration we came up with the following team consisting of Bollywood’s finest:

Bollywood XI: The 4-3-3 formation at its best

Goalkeeper: The legendary Amitabh Bachchan was selected as the team’s goalkeeper. Towering at an impressive hieght of 6’3, he represents the epitome of Bollywood. Age and reflexes aside, his multitasking abilities are what set him apart. He can be a genie, a gangster, a ghost and even God if required.

Defence: The back 4 i.e defence, of any team is essential to its success. Our defence consists of Harman Baweja, Aamir Khan, Saif Ali Khan and Sanjay Dutt.

Aamir Khan with his hard work and never-say-die attitude serves as a perfect central defender, although his tendency to disappear after a good performance remains to be a problem that needs to be sorted out.

We chose Saif Ali Khan solely because we once saw him playing in a charity football match and thought that shorts and wolverine-type facial hair went well.

Sanjay Dutt was a pretty obvious choice. His ability to aim and shoot down moving targets is industry-renowned. So we figured that he would be instrumental in shooting opposition players to extinction.

Harman Baweja  may seem like a weird selection but we stand by him due to one undebatable reason. His ability to scare people away remains to be his biggest weapon. He has done it to cinema audiences around India, and we know that it’ll have a similar effect on opposition players. His similarity to another team mate- Hritik Roshan, will be important in confusing the opposition.

Midfield: The midfield trio of Salman Khan, Abhishek Bachchan and Shahid Kapur was a carefully selected blend.

Salman Khan would be the perfect combative midfield player who breaks up play and stifles the opposition. His recent battle training for Veer was perfect preparation for him although the box office performance of the film admittedly wasn’t.

Shahid Kapur is our playmaker for the team. The long slow motion shot of him running alongside horses in the film Kaminey is what impressed us the most. Similar performances on the field will prove to be vital to the team. Although not very tall, his stamina sets him apart from other players.

Sandwiched between 12 packs of well built ab muscles is our very own Abishek Bachchan. Although he’s slow, not well built, not very good looking, yet his unique talent of pulling off unbelievably stupid roles with grace is laudable indeed. Another reason that we picked him was because we were told that Aishwarya Rai would do a promo for the Indian team if he was selected.

Attack: Scoring goals is the aim of any football team. But our attack not only score goals, they score goals in style.

Sunny Paaji was chosen to run at defences shouting “Yeh Dhai kilo ka haath jab kisipe padtha hai na…toh aadmin ut-tha nahi ud jaata hai..” and to cause mass hysteria and confusion among the opposition with his dance moves.

Hritik Roshan’s flexibility and showmanship is what earned him a place in the team. His job first and foremost would be to run around defences flailing his arms and legs much to the shock and amazement of the opposition. His ability to fly, climb walls and communicate with aliens were all considered during his selection.

Finally, serving as the central attacking striker would be Shahrukh Khan, the proclaimed Baadshah of Bollywood. His stealth and ability to produce hits out of the blue are his assets. He also blends well between his two fellow strikers. While the defence will be clamoring to tackle Sunny and Hritik, Shahrukhs job wold be to sneak past defences and score, an art at which he is perfectly adept.


Vivek Oberoi – Because he and Salman don’t complement each other on the field, or anywhere else.

Govinda – Perfect entertainment for the rest of the team, can also woo public through false promises.

Akshay Kumar – Will be useful to provide drinks to the team because of the unlimited supply of Thums-up he gets everyday.

Tusshar Kapoor – Recommended to us by his siser as she couldn’t get him a job on tv.

Ritesh Deshmukh – Recommended to us by the Maharashtra government.

Comments: Notice how we have carefully separated the big 3 Khans from each other. This was done to ensure maximum compatibility and cooperation, a skill lacking in the current football team. Also, the lack of a manager for the team might be worrisome to some, but we believe that this team needs no manager and has nothing to do with the fact that no one in their right mind was willing to take up the job of managing 11 spoilt, rich celebrities.


4 responses to this post.

  1. Really an awwWWEsome possst
    love this post
    keep writing


  2. hey!nice one!!
    clean writing and sweet humour….thats rare…


  3. Thanks the author for article. The main thing do not forget about users, and continue in the same spirit.


  4. Posted by samey on April 1, 2010 at 8:26 am

    good creativity dude ,excellent punches in the data of players ,and the best was of harman bawejas
    keep writing ,.
    gud work


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